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finally got through one whole day without bawling my eyes out. have been too busy to think–to breathe even! but i guess that’s good. also, the fact that he texted me as if he was just somewhere within the vicinity of metro manila–made me feel as if things are just the way they were before. sure it made me miss him even more, but who has time to dwell on it? also, my family is such a big help. my noisy, annoyingly loud and funny cousins distracted the hell out of me until i had no choice but just close my eyes and fall asleep from exhaustion.

that was yesterday.

today? today’s not so good. first of all, i woke up with my period. then, the much anticipated dysmennorrhea. and then a full morning’s work with an empty stomach to boot. at 11:30, got my payslip and found out ive been deducted 2k from my friggin’ measly salary due to my absences! then, i had to spend an entire afternoon at site with all the dust swirling around, creeping under and into every crevice of my clothes and skin…and that’s when i heard my friend sing…"who will see the beauty in your eeeeeyes…and who will be there to catch you if you faaaaall…." did it have to be our song?

and then i became aware of where i was. out on the window, i can see his beloved construction site. oh, and look, over there on the carpark’s rooftop, that’s where he first kissed me! and there, by the lift lobby, where we used to meet up so i can give him his food for the afternoon…sighed and said, "i miss him so much…"

gods! did that sound like a whine?

i soon began thinking about the things he used to say or do, like remind me of my period a day ahead (yes, HE does the counting for me. says he makes it his business to know when my moods would start to do crazy loops.), texts me "i love you" in the middle of the day without warning, would ask me to have dinner with him but i’ll be the one paying, will tell me he’ll take me home but i’ll have to wait until 10 in the evening…the way his brows would come together in the middle and form a little crease when he’s upset, or thinking (which is most of the time, actually)….our movie dates…

okay…really sounding so pathetic now–i know! sorry! but im sure those into LDR can understand me. im still in the early stage of this…the wallowing period. (coupled with emotional bursts due to my cycle—it’s not pretty, believe me.)

i gotta get this down soon. i need to work my ass off. i need to go out and have fun. i need to see all the people ive been wanting to meet up with eversince graduation. i need to be with my family more. i need to be cheerful again…i need….to hear his voice…to see him…DRAT!

am stuck in a rut… 

BBBBBBB….our college barkada’s mantra…"Books Before Boys Because Boys Bring Babies!!!" So true. I was so into all the frazzles and dazzles of flirting and going about every other available guy back when i was in college. and let’s be honest, i enjoyed the game just as much as the boys did. i was out to prove, the guys didn’t have all the right to play on the field. we girls could kick some ass out there just as much as they can and sometimes…even better. We called this game "pangengerengkeng"–Literally to flirt. there’s even an org about it which is ongoing til now. (the kerengkengs—look it up!) i’ve been voted as secretary and have been on the officer’s chair for about 4 years now. it’s been fun. loads of fun! it is an org, composed of women / men-nearly-women (if you get my meaning), dedicated to flirting and loving men. (it’s like sex-in-the-city–only sexier!)

two years ago, i started working and i thought with so much freedom in my hands now, i could just about do all the flirting i can! and with so many options to choose from! i was on a roll! and then i came about a certain guy. who didn’t know anything AT ALL about flirting! didn’t even realize i was turning huge amounts of my prowess on to him until i spelled it out! That was a challenge. soon, i realized iv’e been exhuming every ounce of my "kerengkeng" abilitites on this guy that i’ve started neglecting other prospects. also, i’ve been becoming weak on the playing field. my "gorgeous-guy-radar" have been malfunctioning, and my taste for sexy clothes have been toned down since i found out the guy was pretty demure! What the heck?! What IS with THIS guy? And then i realized, i’ve been tired of playing the game all along. I’ve been tired of wanting someone everybody wanted because he was hot. I only wanted one person now and it was HIM! I wanted all the things that the sweetly ‘taken’ girl had! the stability…the oness, all the mushy crap, the routine goodnights and goodmornings…to be able to hear "i love you" or read it in their correct spelling and not in txt lingo. to be able to say i love you back instead of "i want you" or the famous rejectory reply "thanks!" I wanted all that, and i wanted it to be with him…

He made me lose the game. He made me take the bench. He made me foul it out and he made me love every moment of it, despite. He made me love again. That’s what I’ve been hiding from all these years. hiding behind an org and a mantra that is only a mask. this group of friends who are all hiding because they were all afraid to love and be hurt all over again. But it also teaches you a lesson. It tires you out until you find the right one who could make you come out of it.

So, thank you kerengkengs! for always being there for me before and even now, when i need it the most. you’ve taught me a lot and you’ve taught me well. my boyfriend (yes, the guy who couldn’t take a hint) and i are running through for almost two years now. and hopefully, even with the oceans now between us, we’d grow stronger.

I think most guys have these sentiments about their gf’s / wives / lovers…i know they are my bf’s sentiments as well. for those of you who are not familiar with the song, try and find the version by sandwich. it’s originally an apo song and they’ve recently done a tribute to these veterans and sandwich featured this song. enjoy!

          Parang batang di mo mabitawan kahit na sandali

          Kailangan may nag-aalalay sa kanya

          Sa mga araw na ninanais lamang ay mag-isa

          Naaalala siya kung nagsasawa ka na.

Chorus:

          Bakit ang babaesa tagal ng pagsasama

          Tila mas mahirap maintindihan

          Parang ’sang problema na sa una

          Kayang-kaya ngunit (humihirap na sa tagalan / sa tagalan ay lumulubha)

Isang araw ikaw ang tinatanging ligaya sa buhay

Sandali lilipas ‘di ka na kilala

‘DI raw namimilit na makita ka sa araw araw

Nagatatampo naman kapag di ka dumating.

(Chorus)