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hey! it’s been how many months? 10…11 months since my last post? and as most people probably know by now, things between me and LDR boi, didn’t actually go the way we’ve always dreamed it would. Let’s just say that a lot was expected from both sides, which we didn’t actually meet. what we didn’t expect however, was that a lot of things can change in 14 months.

This is the last I’m going to say anything about what happened just to satisfy the thirst of those who want to know, what the hell happened. things didn’t work out. As most LDR’s prove to be. Things changed,not just between us but within ourselves. For him, I could surmise that he has been in too much of a hurry to take life seriously. There are too many things that life could still offer him but he refuses to indulge in them because he wants to trudge along without making a mistake. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but somehow i know that I’m not ready for anything like it. And neither is he….He just doesn’t see it yet. As for me, well, it took a lot of sappy movies (yes…the tagalog ones with maricel soriano in them!!) and a newfound friend to snap me out of it. There was much to discover about myself, and much to realize. When he came back, I realized that I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. I didn’t like what he expected from me or sadly, the way he made me feel….it was the same as before, don’t get me wrong, but i realized, i didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I wanted to be alot of things but I couln’t give myself the chance to try, because I was with him…He was a good guy. Husband material, really. But I guess that’s not what I’m looking for…atleast not yet. While he was away, i found out that I actually lived a happier life without him.

So I decided, it was time to let go and see what else is out there.

And here comes the Buzz…;)

Ever heard the saying “misery loves company”? He was miserable with his love life, so was I. He needed a friend and I needed one as well. One to listen and to make me feel useful. Things started off a bit roughly, with a lot of denials and confused signals going off but we sorted it out in the end. I learned how it was to laugh out loud, to talk about anything and everything under the sun (or the moon, for that matter…), to argue about things that i used to give consent to just for the sake of ending the arguement. I learned how it was to say anything and be anything without having to think ten times if it was right. I learned how it was to be taken care of, to be funny, and to just be fun. I learned how to grow in a relationship. I learned how it felt to be appreciated, admired and most of all…loved. Without doubting why or when or how. Just knowing and feeling…

So, i think it’s enough to say, I’m happier now. There’s nothing more to gripe about or whine or complain about. It’s just here…a fresh start.

The Final Countdooooooowwwwnnnn….tinininiiin…tininitintin… tinininiiiinnn…tininintintin…..Christ! could this get any cheesier? the damn song is stuck in my head. no thanks to my dear "future-"father"-in-law" who exclaimed the song to me after seeing me and remembering—hey! yer bf’s coming home soon! like i didn’t know…and like i was’nt counting.

truth is, im just hoping….im not particularly sure he’s going to be home anytime soon. keep telling myself not to hope for september being the soonest–but honestly, i cant help but do just that.

i miss him. it’s been almost a year. nuff said…right?

there are three things you wouldn’t want to do in this lifetime–die, pay your taxes and wait—more like long for someone.

waiting sucks! the adjustments, the fights, the frustration of wanting to touch–to feel, and not being able to do so. the sleepless nights, the worries, the exhaustion due to wanting to keep yourself busy.

It is physically, emotionally, mentally–not to mention financially, draining.

Thank God for our strong foundations.

it wasn’t easy. waiting all this time. and i could just imagine how much harder it is for him—the one who left. still…it was kind of good for us. made us stronger, wiser, more mature. it made us think of what we really want in this life. made us strip off all the immaturities, the petty quarrels, the small buttons…

but as time closes in…it seems to drag even slower than before. piling up your workschedule doesn’t seem to be enough. the minutes seem hours…the hours seem days. i have developed the nasty habit of looking at my watch almost all the time. asking myself—is the day never going to be over?

things also become crazier. the quarrels more petty as we become more and more aware of how much longer we’re going to have to wait. patience gets easily snapped. the words sharper, the voices less endearing and becoming more impatient with every conversation.

no its not a falling out. it’s the excitement. the frustration of being so near yet so far. It’s wanting time to go faster. It’s the hoping and the possibility that it might not happen anytime soon…

the final countdown…

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t be insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconciously get others to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

from the movie Coach Carter

am staying up all night…no matter what happens…i’m going to keep these eyes of mine open until it’s 12 freakin’ am!!! i can do this…all for PHP 2,500.00!!! yes, I AM THAT DESPERATE!!! tomorow is my tito’s birthday. and he has this "gimmick" each year–a game actually, of who will be able to greet him first at the strike of 12. the winner gets a whopping 25hundred. last year it was, i think, a thousand. so tonight…everyone’s on a vigil. school/office night or not.

having nothing else to do, i find myself back here on this page, writing a blog, which doesnt have any direction. for the first time in my life i find myself lacking of things to talk about. someone once said, write about the things that you know. what do i know? hmmmm…i know that i miss my boi terribly, but that’s nothing new. i’m still in a job that i actually love doing. i got my friends, though i rarely get to see them. i’ve got this great, annoying and loud family. i’m still broke–also nothing quite surprising (banjo input: "who isn’t?!"). so what the heck should i write about?! don’t expect me to write anything about politics or the economy coz if that happens then wonder if money can really grow on trees.

ok, i got it! here it is. let’s talk about the future. let’s give out the age-old question to kids: "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

i used to want to be everything. because of this, i took up a lot of things while i was growing up. i learned to sing, found i was okay but only when im in a band or a group. i cant sing solo tho…have such a case of stagefright. took up a little ballet–found out my veins were actually running on ice–needless to say i was a little stiff, so no. I can’t dance. not that well at least. sure, i can bump and grind and swing my ass whichever way it chooses–coz, i found that it has a life of it’s own–but i can never really dance that well and that seriously. ask me to walk on broken glass, or eat fire or scrape my hair off my scalp, but never ask me to dance properly! i learned to swim, but i wasn’t too competitive about it. i learned how to play the guitar, but i can only play a few selected songs–and im a strummer not a plucker! (geez..that sounds weird…) what i loved doing tho, are playing basketball and drawing. i loved both so much so, that i took up fine arts in college, then got into the college varsity team.

now tho, i’ve grown up. and still i want to be a lot of things. i think the list actually increased even. now, add being a writer and a businesswoman. bottom line is, i want to be successful. in whatever it is that i finally decide to do in my life. (banjo input: "sigh…who doesnt?!") but to go deeper than that, what is it that i really want from life? i guess the childhood question does have it’s counterpart for adults. 

i’ll think about this part…mull it over for a week atleast! for now, i’d better get ready. i think they’re starting to form a line outside my tito’s bedroom…

I love this song so much! Heard it from a friend of mine who loves it just as much. pertains to most of my moments with my boi! miss him sooo, sooo much! Tho a lot of people (who know him) would pro’ly laugh their heads off when they read this, him being a star (yes, you jaa boy who’s reading this!). well, he’s MY star so come off it! hahaha! yeah, i know. sounds kinda corny for me too. funny what missing someone could do to you…clouds your mind. nevetheless, enjoy the song everyone!

Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae

Just like a star across my sky,
just like an angel off the page,
you have appeared to my life,
feel like I’ll never be the same,
just like a song in my heart,
just like oil on my hands,
Oh, I do love you

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
with anyone but you,
we do it all the time,
blowing out my mind,

You’ve got this look i can’t describe,
you make me feel like I’m alive,
when everything else is au fait,
without a doubt you’re on my side,
heaven has been away too long,
can’t find the words to write this song of your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
with anyone but you,
we do it all the time,
blowing out my mind,

Now i have come to understand,
the way it is,
It’s not a secret anymore,
’cause we’ve been through that before,
from tonight I know that you’re the only one,
I’ve been confused and in the dark,
now I understand,
Yeah-yeah

Oooh……Ooohhhh..

I wonder why it is,
I don’t argue like this,
with anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
for anyone but you
we do it all the time,
blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
just like an angel off the page,
you have appeared to my life,
feel like I’ll never be the same,
just like a song in my heart,
just like oil on my hands.

finally got through one whole day without bawling my eyes out. have been too busy to think–to breathe even! but i guess that’s good. also, the fact that he texted me as if he was just somewhere within the vicinity of metro manila–made me feel as if things are just the way they were before. sure it made me miss him even more, but who has time to dwell on it? also, my family is such a big help. my noisy, annoyingly loud and funny cousins distracted the hell out of me until i had no choice but just close my eyes and fall asleep from exhaustion.

that was yesterday.

today? today’s not so good. first of all, i woke up with my period. then, the much anticipated dysmennorrhea. and then a full morning’s work with an empty stomach to boot. at 11:30, got my payslip and found out ive been deducted 2k from my friggin’ measly salary due to my absences! then, i had to spend an entire afternoon at site with all the dust swirling around, creeping under and into every crevice of my clothes and skin…and that’s when i heard my friend sing…"who will see the beauty in your eeeeeyes…and who will be there to catch you if you faaaaall…." did it have to be our song?

and then i became aware of where i was. out on the window, i can see his beloved construction site. oh, and look, over there on the carpark’s rooftop, that’s where he first kissed me! and there, by the lift lobby, where we used to meet up so i can give him his food for the afternoon…sighed and said, "i miss him so much…"

gods! did that sound like a whine?

i soon began thinking about the things he used to say or do, like remind me of my period a day ahead (yes, HE does the counting for me. says he makes it his business to know when my moods would start to do crazy loops.), texts me "i love you" in the middle of the day without warning, would ask me to have dinner with him but i’ll be the one paying, will tell me he’ll take me home but i’ll have to wait until 10 in the evening…the way his brows would come together in the middle and form a little crease when he’s upset, or thinking (which is most of the time, actually)….our movie dates…

okay…really sounding so pathetic now–i know! sorry! but im sure those into LDR can understand me. im still in the early stage of this…the wallowing period. (coupled with emotional bursts due to my cycle—it’s not pretty, believe me.)

i gotta get this down soon. i need to work my ass off. i need to go out and have fun. i need to see all the people ive been wanting to meet up with eversince graduation. i need to be with my family more. i need to be cheerful again…i need….to hear his voice…to see him…DRAT!

am stuck in a rut… 

BBBBBBB….our college barkada’s mantra…"Books Before Boys Because Boys Bring Babies!!!" So true. I was so into all the frazzles and dazzles of flirting and going about every other available guy back when i was in college. and let’s be honest, i enjoyed the game just as much as the boys did. i was out to prove, the guys didn’t have all the right to play on the field. we girls could kick some ass out there just as much as they can and sometimes…even better. We called this game "pangengerengkeng"–Literally to flirt. there’s even an org about it which is ongoing til now. (the kerengkengs—look it up!) i’ve been voted as secretary and have been on the officer’s chair for about 4 years now. it’s been fun. loads of fun! it is an org, composed of women / men-nearly-women (if you get my meaning), dedicated to flirting and loving men. (it’s like sex-in-the-city–only sexier!)

two years ago, i started working and i thought with so much freedom in my hands now, i could just about do all the flirting i can! and with so many options to choose from! i was on a roll! and then i came about a certain guy. who didn’t know anything AT ALL about flirting! didn’t even realize i was turning huge amounts of my prowess on to him until i spelled it out! That was a challenge. soon, i realized iv’e been exhuming every ounce of my "kerengkeng" abilitites on this guy that i’ve started neglecting other prospects. also, i’ve been becoming weak on the playing field. my "gorgeous-guy-radar" have been malfunctioning, and my taste for sexy clothes have been toned down since i found out the guy was pretty demure! What the heck?! What IS with THIS guy? And then i realized, i’ve been tired of playing the game all along. I’ve been tired of wanting someone everybody wanted because he was hot. I only wanted one person now and it was HIM! I wanted all the things that the sweetly ‘taken’ girl had! the stability…the oness, all the mushy crap, the routine goodnights and goodmornings…to be able to hear "i love you" or read it in their correct spelling and not in txt lingo. to be able to say i love you back instead of "i want you" or the famous rejectory reply "thanks!" I wanted all that, and i wanted it to be with him…

He made me lose the game. He made me take the bench. He made me foul it out and he made me love every moment of it, despite. He made me love again. That’s what I’ve been hiding from all these years. hiding behind an org and a mantra that is only a mask. this group of friends who are all hiding because they were all afraid to love and be hurt all over again. But it also teaches you a lesson. It tires you out until you find the right one who could make you come out of it.

So, thank you kerengkengs! for always being there for me before and even now, when i need it the most. you’ve taught me a lot and you’ve taught me well. my boyfriend (yes, the guy who couldn’t take a hint) and i are running through for almost two years now. and hopefully, even with the oceans now between us, we’d grow stronger.

I think most guys have these sentiments about their gf’s / wives / lovers…i know they are my bf’s sentiments as well. for those of you who are not familiar with the song, try and find the version by sandwich. it’s originally an apo song and they’ve recently done a tribute to these veterans and sandwich featured this song. enjoy!

          Parang batang di mo mabitawan kahit na sandali

          Kailangan may nag-aalalay sa kanya

          Sa mga araw na ninanais lamang ay mag-isa

          Naaalala siya kung nagsasawa ka na.

Chorus:

          Bakit ang babaesa tagal ng pagsasama

          Tila mas mahirap maintindihan

          Parang ’sang problema na sa una

          Kayang-kaya ngunit (humihirap na sa tagalan / sa tagalan ay lumulubha)

Isang araw ikaw ang tinatanging ligaya sa buhay

Sandali lilipas ‘di ka na kilala

‘DI raw namimilit na makita ka sa araw araw

Nagatatampo naman kapag di ka dumating.

(Chorus)

haaayyyy…’nuff said…

Right Here Waiting

by: Richard Marx

Oceans apart, day after day

And i slowly go insane…

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn’t stop the pain

If i see you next to never

How can we say forever?

Wherever you go, Whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the tiems

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can’t get near you now.

**Oh, can’t you see it baby

You’ve got me goin’ crazy

(@) Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you….

I wonder how we can survive this romance

But in the end if i’m with you, i’ll take the chance….

(***@)

don’t you just hate waking up, in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason? and then you discover, much to your dismay, that it’s three in the freakin’ morning?!

i do…i hate it when that happens. especially if i just happened to get into that much needed sleep and then all of a sudden—WAH! i wake up and look accusingly at the damn alarm, thinking my body clock must’ve kicked in. only to realize, it has, yet again, malfunctioned. i hate it because, three AM is somewhere between the time you have to wake up and time you can still catch up on some z’s. so in the paranoia of thinking you might not wake up on the right time, your brain actually starts warming up. thus–no sleep. and amazingly enough, the brain warms up fast at this ungodly hour. you start thinking about a lot of things. starts off simple, like, what your’e gonna wear when you get to work. the stuff you have to get done during the day…you and your hunnie’s next monthsary celebration…is your period coming up…remind yourself to buy tita mely’s birthday gift (which has gone by three months ago…)…your gimmick plans for saturday…your ‘utangs’ and payables…

oddly enough, things grow deeper in about 20 minutes or so…you start thinking about your life plans… what you want to be in 5 more years…where you want to live and start a family…where you want your bf to propose marriage to you…how many kids you want…would you prefer to have a C-section when you give birth or natural?…what church would you want to get married in…gasp! could he be possibly be cheating on me?…is he really over his ex? why didn’t he answer my call last saturday night? maybe he was sleeping with someone that time…oh no…

By this time, u’d have worked yourself up into a fit. which could result to you groggily textng your boyfriend, not even thinking that it’s three in the morning and that he’s probably still snoring in his bed. you frantically thumb in accusations which were (you later on realize) just the by-product of your heavy, not to mention active, imagination. He groggily replies a ‘huh?’ and then you frantically call him just to berate him with questions he couldn’t quite fathom in semi-conciousness! after freaking out, you suddenly realize you’re turned on by his bedroom voice (actually they’re more like pig grunts and drunken slurred words, but who cares? you’re mind’s functioning on over drive). sadly he isn’t in the right state of mind to whisper dirty words–at 3 AM. so, you hang up and then start thinking, ‘maybe i should just go back to sleep…hmmm…or may be not…maybe…maybe not…but i have to wake up in two hours anyway so might as well just lie here…stare at the ceiling…’ oh no…you suddenly remember that freakin’ chain text.

‘hi. im amanda. i have black hair …red eyes…i’ll visit you at 3am if you dont pass this on to 100 people…"

shit! i ran out of load when that text was sent to me. did i make 100 people? shit! shit! shit! please dont show…suddenly your armpits start to sweat and yet you cling to your blanket and wrap it around your body and over your head.

this is why i hate waking up at 3:00 AM….

I haven’t yet discovered the cause of this catastrophe. I have a theory though: this usually happens when i finally get a great sense of relief over something. like, if im over stressed with work, meeting deadlines and deliveries, i think about them even before i go to bed. my subconcious still mulls them over when im already asleep, so most of the times i even dream about them. so my brain doesn’t really get to shut down that much. and then, when the troubles finally subside, and i can actually get some rest, out of habit, my brain would suddenly function and run during sleep. and since there aren’t any pressing matters to attend to, it just jolts my body into conciousness and then begin hammering on not so essential thoughts in my brain.

am i making any sense? just a theory…

sorry…it’s 3:00 in the morning…